


Do Not Sleep

by tousled_bird



Series: Of Love and Loss [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Horror, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Minor Character Death, Nightmares, Psychological Torture, Reader-Insert, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 05:50:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9478379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tousled_bird/pseuds/tousled_bird
Summary: "Dean and SammyThe Winchester boys;Hunting monsters,Saving the world.Dean and SammyThe Winchester boys:One loves an angelThe other one loved me.Dean and Sammy,Poor Winchester boys!I kill the angeland his one true love.Tell me, Sam: Where does that leave you?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cCZoxboF5s&app=desktop) while reading.

Petals fall from the white sky, delicate and white like snowflakes. He's lying in a bed. The white eiderdown is soft and warm. He feels calm, at peace even. He can't remember the last time when he had been at ease like this.

"Sam."

He turns his head. A familiar smile greets him.

"Jess," he breathes.

Her smile deepens. "Hey. Long time no see."

A petal lands on her hair. He reaches out and gingerly plucks it off. She giggles.

"I missed you," he tells her.

She brushes a strand of hair from his cheek. "I love you, Sam."

He wants to answer, but the words get stuck in his throat. He loved her, yes, but that was a long time ago. He keeps the memories of her close to his heart, but it doesn't belong to her anymore. Another woman claimed it for herself.

"I loved you too," he whispers eventually.

Her smile vanishes. "No. You didn't." She pulls her hand back and sits up. "You let me die. And then you forgot me."

Sam's heart sinks. "No. I didn't! I could never forget you, Jess!"

A tear runs over her cheek. "You let me die, Sam."

He wants to contradict, but the words die on his tongue. She is right. He dreamt about her death, he had visions, but did nothing to prevent them. He let her die.

"I'm so sorry."

"I'm dead." She blinks and suddenly her eyes are yellow.

Sam flinches back. His legs are tangled in the sheets and the once featherlight blanket is weighing him down. He can't _move_. "Jesse…"

"I'm dead," she repeats. Her expression twists into something horrifying. "I'm dead and _you_ killed me!"

She surges forward. Sam barely escapes her sharp fingernails. Rolling out of the bed, he lands on the ground, the blanket still wrapped around him and trapping his limbs.

Jess stares down at him. "You're pathetic, Winchester," she sneers and the next moment she is engulfed in flames.

"No! Jess!" Sam struggles with the blanket until he is free and jumps to his feet.

Jess watches him with pure scorn in her eyes. Flames are eating her hair. Her skin reddens and blisters. "I'm dying, Sam. And again, you're doing nothing to save me."

Sam grabs his blanket and tries to wrap it around her to suffocate the flames, but the extreme heat sets the fabric on fire.

"No! No, Jess!"

"It's your fault," she screeches. He skin starts melting. Her face is almost unrecognizable now. "You killed me! Sam Winchester killed me!"

The flames explode, the burst of heat sends Sam to the ground. The bed is gone when he looks up again. Smoldering ashes are the only thing left. Ashes, and scorched bones.

Jess is gone.

She died.

Again.

The petals landing on the hot ashes burn to dust.

Sam stares.

Slowly, the ashes cool down and the petals form a thin white layer, covering the remains of his lost life.

"Hey Sam."

He spins around. A figure sits not far away, their back turned to him.

"Kevin!"

"I'm almost done with this translation."

Sam throws a glance behind him. The burnt remains of Jesse and the bed are gone. White petals are covering the ground, leaving no traces of what happened.

"Kevin…"

"I know that this is important for saving the world! You already told me like, thirty-six times!"

Sam takes a deep breath to calm his rapidly beating heart and steps closer. Kevin is surrounded by sheets of paper, each covered in his - once neat, now messy - writing. He has a word of god in one hand and is scribbling with his other. "I'm working as fast as possible, but I need more time, okay?"

"Kevin."

"A day. Give me a day! Just a day!" He looks up and Sam recoils. Kevin's face is unhealthy pale, his hair is sweaty and clings to his skull. Dark rings underline his sunken eyes. He blinks, and a bloody tear lands on his writings. "Please, I need more time!"

Another petal lands on Sam's cheek. But no, not a petal. It's cold and wet; a snowflake. Wind comes up, tugging at their clothes, cold and biting. Snowflakes are everywhere. Kevin's notes flutter and get whisked away by a strong breeze. Paper and snow dance in the air until the notes disappear in the storm.

"Kevin, we should go." Sam hugs himself, trying to protect him from the biting cold. The young man doesn't react. Sam steps closer. "It's not safe here."

Kevin's head snaps up. Both his eyes are bleeding now. His tears leave red traces on his cheek and smears on his notes. "No! I can't… I can't stop now!"

"Kevin…" Sam makes another step, an uneasy feeling in his guts, and grabs Kevin's shoulder. A scream erupts from the younger man's throat. Sam immediately lets o of him, but Kevin doesn't stop. Horror creeps into his bones, cold like ice; Kevin's eyes are burning out, a moment later nothing is left, only two gaping holes where his eyes used to be.

"You killed me," he chokes out, falling to the snow-covered ground. A gush of wind whirls up the snow, blinding him. Kevin is gone when he regains his sight. Only his last piece of paper is left in the snow. It crumbles and dissolves into flakes of ash when Sam tries to pick it up. The only word he can decipher before it completely vanishes is _hell_.

The wind becomes stronger. Snow and ashes and petals whirl around him. White on white on white on white, the drops on Kevin's blood on the ground is the only color and even they disappear beneath the snow, ash and petals.

Sam starts walking. He doesn't know where to go, but he can't stay here. He can't. Jess and Kevin… He couldn't save them. He couldn't save them…

The wind pulls at him, pushes him to the left in one moment, to the right in the next. He has no idea where he is going. Everything looks the same; the white sky melds into the ground covered in snow, white petals and ashes. He puts one foot in front of the other with no direction in mind. Just... don't stop. Walk. One step after another.

He doesn't know how much time passed - minutes? Hours? Years? - when he notices that the air warmed up. The snowflakes disappeared, as well as the petals and flakes of ash. Instead, tiny white feathers float through the air. He cranes his neck. There are no clouds, just the endless white sky. A feather lands on his face. It tickles.

A soft giggle next to him, a small hand slides into his. He looks down. "(Y/N)"

You smile at him, brightly. "Hey Sammy!" You reach up to pluck a feather from his hair. A useless act, two more feathers land on him the next moment. But you just grin and blow the feather away. "Come, I want to show you something!", you say tugging at his hand when he doesn't follow you immediately. "What is it?" you ask cheerfully.

"You are beautiful."

You are clad in a simple white dress and the feathers in your hair look like a crown. Your eyes sparkle with delight and your smile is radiant. You laugh. "That's old news, Sam. Come now, it isn't far!"

He follows you, his fingers intertwined with yours. You're humming a melody and look back at him every now and ten, flashing him a bright smile.

After some time, he notices the first black feather tumbling between the countless white ones. Then he sees another. Slowly, they become more and more. His uneasy feeling returns.

"(Y/N)," he tries to stop you, to draw your attention to the black feathers. But you don't pay any attention to him.

"Look, Sam, we're almost there!"

You raise your free hand and point at something ahead of you.

A dark figure in the white nothingness. You head into their direction. Sam's uneasiness grows.

More black feathers fall. Soon the last white feather touches the ground. One black feather lands on his outstretched arm, but doesn't fall to the ground. It sticks to his skin and leaves a red smear when he brushes it off.

You stop and squeeze his hand. "Look, isn’t it beautiful?"

He follows your finger pointing at the figure. Dread fills his heart when he realizes whom he is looking at.

Castiel's trench coat is in shreds. His face is a bloody mess and his eyes stare blankly into nothingness.

"Cas!" Sam lets go of your hand and rushes towards his friend. The angel doesn't react. His skin is cold under Sam's touch.

"Sam, no," you say behind him. "You're looking from the wrong angle."

You make some steps to your right and gesture him to follow you. "Come here."

Castiel still doesn't show any sign of reaction. Sam hesitates for a second, but eventually leaves him to join you. At first, he doesn't see anything but the angel's back.

You chuckle and lift his chin. Putting your free hand around his arm, you lean your head against his shoulder. "Isn't it beautiful?"

Sam feels like his blood turned into ice water.

Behind Castiel, no, behind his vessel… A creature grows from his shadow, as large as a building, and its limbs spread over the sky. Sam can't grasp the extent of its existence; it's beautiful. It's terrifying.

It's in pain.

It shivers and writhes and Sam is sure, if he could hear its voice, its screams would tear him apart.

Another feather lands on his cheek. Heavy and wet. It leaves his fingers red when he brushes it away. He stops short, staring at the feather in his hands. Black with a tint of blue, and clogged with… blood.

He recoils and throws the feather away. It lands on the ground between all the others fallen from the sky. No. Not from the sky.

Sam looks up again.

The creature - Castiel - flinches and spreads its wings. A fresh shower of feathers tumbles through the air. They're his. The feathers are Cas'.

You sigh next to him. "I told you, I would pull every of his feathers from his wings." You look up to him and grin. A blink, and your beautiful (E/C) eyes turn black.

Sam yanks his arm from your grip and backs away from you. "What have you done?"

You shrug. "Why are you so surprised? It's not like I didn't warn you. But you sent me back to hell anyways."

"Stop it. Let him go!"

"Nah, I'm holding a pretty large grudge and I'm not even close to being done. Tell me, Love, what's an angel without his wings?"

Sam run back to Castiel's vessel. Jimmy Novak's blank face doesn't show any of Castiel's agony. Sam grabs his shoulders, shakes him. "Cas! Can you hear me? Come on buddy, wake up!"

"Pointless. He can neither see nor hear you. I made sure of that. For all he knows he is alone and everyone he loves is dead because he couldn't protect them. Poor guy saw his world burn to ashes."

"Let him go!"

"No can do, love." He hated this pet name. You only started to call him that after you became a demon. "I have way too much fun with him."

Sam bites his lip. "I loved you."

"I know." Your laugh is like a summer breeze. "Didn't stop you from sending me back to the pits, though."

"Stop it. Please."

"Nu-uh." You bend down to pick up one of Cas' feathers. "I always wondered how angel wings look like."

Sam lets go of Castiel. Guilt and fear and anger and grief and… He can't stand to look at Cas anymore, can't stand to look at you… He turns around and starts running. Your laughter follows him into the white nothingness.

"You know," he stumbles and almost falls when your voice chimes up directly next to him. "You can't run from me." You appeared on his right, so he turns left, leaving you behind. Or so he thought. "I will always find you, Love." Your voice is on his left. He turns right. But you are everywhere, no matter which direction he chooses, you are already waiting for him, laughing, taunting.

Black feather whirl around him, leaving red stains everywhere they touch him.

Suddenly, it's quiet. You stopped laughing at him. He turns around, but you are nowhere to be seen. Is that a good sign?

He makes a step backwards and slips. The next moment he finds himself lying on the ground. He blinks. The sky above him is still the same white. Slowly, he sits up. Something warm and wet sticks to his fingers. He looks down.

Blood.

He's sitting in a puddle of blood.

"Dean and Sammy  
The Winchester boys;  
Hunting monsters  
Saving the world.

Dean and Sammy  
The Winchester boys:  
One loves an angel  
The other one loved me.

Dean and Sammy,  
Poor Winchester boys!  
I kill the angel  
and his one true love."

He flinches and jumps to his feet.

"Tell me, Sam: Where does that leave you?" Your cheerful voice drifts through the silence, but he can't see you anywhere.

He looks down at his bloody hands. It's not his blood.

_… I kill the angel  
and his one true love…_

Dean.

"Dean!"

Your maniac giggling is his only answer. He looks around, frantically, searching for something to tell him where to find his brother.

Blood. On the ground. It forms a trail. He follows the blood drops, leaving Cas and his falling feathers behind. The sky is free now, as is the floor. The blood is the only color in the vast whiteness. It's so much blood. Each drop is too much, and with each step Sam makes the dread in his stomach grows.

He can hear you humming the tune of your little verse with way too much joy.

"Ah, there you are! Took you long enough!" you suddenly say behind him.

He spins around. You sit in a comfy chair, legs crossed and playing with a sharp scalpel. Your dress is still spotless.

"Where is Dean? What did you do to him!" he growls.

You just point the scalpel on something behind him. He hesitates, not sure if he wants to look at what you'll show him.

"Go on. Turn around. Your beloved brother is right behind you," you singsong.

Slowly, he turns.

The scene he is presented with, feels like a punch into his guts. Nausea swaps over him as he looks at the remains of his brother.

Dean is hanging from a chain which disappears somewhere in the sky. His feet barely touch the ground, and his shoulders are dislocated. Cuts and bruises cover every inch of his skin. His eyes are a destroyed and bleeding mass.

"I made him watch me ruining Castiel's wings before I stabbed his eyes. He screamed and begged me to stop hurting his little angel."

"Dean…" Sam's voice breaks. He steps closer and reaches for Dean, gingerly touching his brother's cheek. Dean flinches under his fingers, blood seeping out of his lacerations. Sam can see broken bones shift beneath bruised skin. Unintelligible sounds escape Dean's sour throat.

"Poor Dean cried for you, Sammy. He begged for you to save him. But you never came." You step next to him. "You failed him, Love. Again. You failed all of them. You failed _me_."

"I'm sorry," he chokes out.

You put a hand behind your ear. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you. I love you, (Y/N). I still love you. I always will. Please, stop."

"Well, you loving me didn't do me any good, did it? But since you asked so nicely…"

With a swift motion, you slash Dean's throat. Blood sprays everywhere, the droplets forming a complex pattern on your dress.

"No! No, what did you do! Dean!" Sam pushes you aside and grabs Dean's face. He is choking on his own blood. "Dean. Dean, I'm here. I'm here, okay? It's okay, I will…"

"You will what, find a way to bring him back to life? I think Billie made very clear how she feels about that."

Sam clenches his teeth. Grief and despair threaten to pull him down, but his anger keeps him on his feet.

Dean splutters. A last rattling breath. Then he is still.

"Well, seems like we're the only ones left. It's just you and me, love." You lick the blood from the scalpel with a wicked grin. "We will have so much fun together!"

Sam loses it. He throws himself at you, disarming you with a well-aimed blow and sends the two of you tumbling to the ground. He is much larger than you and he uses every advantage he has on you, to pin you on the floor.

"You are not her" he grits out. "You are not (Y/N)."

"No. She died a long time ago in the pits of hell," you spit back at him.

He is calm now, his mind clear. "I will kill you."

You laugh hysterically. "Go ahead and try! You won't succeed. You won't get rid of me! You wanna know why? Because we're in your head!"

He stares at you. "This isn't real."

You grin. "I never said that."

"We're in my head."

"And I don't plan on leaving anytime soon, Love," you coo and suddenly he finds himself pinned down by you. "I like it _here_."

You press a hand onto his chest. "It's still beating. Time to burn it."

Intense pain surges through his chest and concentrates where his heart lies. He chokes, can't breathe. He can't breathe.

You laugh.

"Sam!"

Pain… soaring heat… He can't… breathe…

"Sammy, wake up!"

Cool hands around his face. Then stinging pain on his cheek. He opens his eyes, desperately gasping for air.

"Sam, Sam. It's okay, Sammy. It's okay. Just a dream, it's okay."

"Dean?"

"Yeah, it's me, Sammy."

Sam lurches forward, wrapping himself around his brother. "You're… you're alive"

"Woah, hey there. I'm okay, Sammy. It's okay." Dean returns the embrace, rubbing Sam's back and rocking him gingerly, something he hasn't done since Sam's seventeenth birthday.

Sam digs his finger into Dean's shirt. "Where is… is Cas…", he asks, still trying to catch his breath. He clears his throat. "Is Cas okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he is in the kitchen, making tea."

"Good. Good."

They fall silent, but don't let go of each other. After some minutes, Sam realizes that he is crying. "Dean I… I saw… She…"

"Sshh, it's okay."

"Dean… she killed you. And Cas."

"It wasn't her. It was just a dream, Sammy."

"Didn't feel like a dream."

"It never does."

A soft knock at the door. Cas stands there, a steaming mug in his hand.

Sam loosens his grip and lets ho of Dean, accepting the tea Cas hands him. "Thank you." His voice is still raw.

"You wanna talk about it?" Dean asks.

Sam wraps his hands around the mug. "I saw Jess. And Kevin. And then… (Y/N). But she was…"

"A demon," Dean finishes the sentence quietly.

Sam nods. "She killed both of you. It was… messy. I just… did I… after the cure, when she… died. Did she go back to hell?"

Dean shrugs and throws Cas a questioning glance.

"I don't know," the angel answers. "I am sorry."

Sam shakes his head. "It's okay. It's just… I miss her. I don't want her to suffer."

"Nothing that happened to her is your fault, Sam."

He stares into his mug. "I couldn't save her."

Dean gets to his feet. "I know it hurts, but we can't save anyone."

"Dean… Could you… stay?"

Dean smiles. "Of course, just gimme a minute. Imma go use the bathroom first, okay?"

Sam nods.

Dean leaves the room, Cas follows after a last thoughtful glance at Sam. He returns ten minutes later and slips under the blanket.

"Your feet are cold," Sam grumbles.

"Shut up and sleep, Sammy." A heartbeat of silence. "I miss her too."

"I know, Dean. Thank you."

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think!


End file.
